It is 2:55AM as I begin to write this. My chest is constricted, it’s hard for me to breathe. Maybe I am experiencing the beginnings of a panic attack. I am not sure because I am usually pretty calm and such feelings are pretty new to me, but this week has been an unusual week.

My parents are finally calling it quits. They’ve been battling it out for 3 years and have finally given up in the most bitter of ways. My mom is homeless and losing hope. She almost died 2 weeks ago in the hospital, and now is experiencing the near death of her heart. My siblings are stressed to the max and hurting, and I spend the better parts of my days either wondering about them or talking on the phone with them. Today I pleaded with my mom to not lose hope. As her children we are standing behind her, and today when I listened to her cry, to hear her tell me “I’m not a bad person, Robin, I’m not,” and break down, to say it broke my heart doestn’t do it justice. My heart felt like it was being bludgeoned, and a hot anger was simmering inside me at the man who could make her feel this way. Tears streamed down my face, as they are now. I choked back sobs, as I am now. My mom is beautiful and doesn’t deserve such pain, but when the conversation was over, my mind rested on my own hardships.

I still haven’t been able to find a job and have yet to receive any benefit support from the Employment Security Comission. I was finally approved but I guess they figure I don’t really need the money. Who knows? But when I think of all the bills that are due and see what we have in the bank…when I look in the  paper and online and around town and see that no one is hiring…when my husband says that business is about to get slow where he works…I find it difficult to breathe. When I skip lunch to stretch the food and try to occupy myself with distractions (books, movies) so I don’t feel overwhelmed, I feel inadequate and scared. Who do I cry to?

About 30 minutes ago I was watching TV and accidentally hit the #3 on the remote. It took me to a channel where a song by Merle Haggard was playing called “A Place to Fall Apart.” I realized that was me…”looking for a place to fall apart.” The song was exactly the type of music my grandmother loved, and I was overcome with the memory of her. The first anniversary of her death will be in December, and all I could think about was if I could just talk to her, like I used to during my very turbulent childhood, she would know exactly what to say to me. I miss her, I miss my family, and I am so scared right now. So I did the only thing I knew to do.

I walked upstairs and laid my head on my desk, broke down and poured my heart out to God. I asked him to draw me closer to Him, and to give me the faith and the courage to not lose hope. I prayed for my hurting family, and for the strength to help them through this rough time. I prayed for my husband to not have fear, but faith, and for us to always lean on each other, even if things get harder than they are now. I started to breathe a little easier, and felt the familiar headeache that I always get when I cry as hard as that. I keep telling myself “Things will be okay, God will take care of me.” Please pray that I can believe this with all my heart.

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